I was out when they phoned the first time.
They left a message on the answer phone apparently.
As usual I never listened to it.
Well you don’t do you? It’s usually PPI, or double glazing, or that bloke from Sky I’m having a row with – still!
Then someone called round.
With a friend.
The neighbour told them I’d gone into town. He said they seemed a bit put out even though he’d said that he thought that I wouldn’t be long.
In fact, he told me later that he thought he’d heard one of them mutter, ‘bollocks!‘ under his breath.
I got a couple of texts on the mobile. ‘Ring! Urgently!‘ they said. But my battery was nearly flat so I put it off.
Unfortunately the emails they sent went straight to ‘junk‘. I never look in there – do you?
Then they phoned again.
‘He’ll be round the pub I guess,‘ she told them.
She guessed wrong.
I wasn’t in the Hinksford Arms for once. I was in the Navi. So unfortunately they missed me again.
Eventually though they caught up with me.
Law of averages I suppose.
‘No!‘ I told them.
‘Please,‘ they said, ‘we asked nicely.‘
And I must agree that they had. Asked nicely that is.
‘No, sorry.‘ I was not quite so curt in my second response. A civil question deserves a civil answer I feel, unless of course you’re that bloke from Sky. He knows what he can do – I’ve told him!
‘Why not?‘ they seemed a bit desperate now. ‘It’s a good job. You’ll make loads of new friends. Foreign travel. All expenses paid. All the best hotels.‘
Well for a split second I have to admit that I was tempted.
‘Are you sure?‘ I asked, ‘why me?‘
‘Because we’ve asked everyone else!‘ they told me.
I sucked it up and held my temper, ‘So I’m the last?‘ I queried.
I just wanted to be sure.
‘Well, yes,‘ they hesitantly replied. I think they recognised that they may have painted themselves into a bit of a corner.
‘In that case, you know exactly what you can do!‘ I couldn’t help it. It was like a dam had burst. The tirade that I unleashed on them lasted a good five minutes at least.
They stood looking forlornly at the ground as I vented my spleen.
‘Out of everyone,‘ I raged, ‘you asked me sodding last!‘
‘Well you were out most of the time,‘ said one, ‘what could we do apart from keep knocking door to door?‘
The shoulders of the other were quivering. I think he was crying.
‘But everybody!?‘ I was incandescent.
‘Well there was a tramp in Essex that we couldn’t find either.‘
Frankly that didn’t make things any better.
‘Where are you from,‘ I asked eventually.
‘Conservative Central Office,‘ replied the cry baby. ‘Gove has screwed Boris over and frankly we don’t want May to have it.‘
‘We were going to ask Jezza in desperation,‘ the other told me, ‘but he has even less in his cabinet than the England football team.‘
The other one started to cry again. Apparently he’d seen the Iceland game too!
But now I’m feeling guilty.
You know what I’m like.
It’s probably partly our fault anyway.
And so I will ask just one final time on their behalf.
DOES NO ONE WANT TO RUN THIS BLOODY COUNTRY!?