Those of you who follow me on Facebook will already know that I have been receiving calls regarding my recent ‘motor vehicle accident.‘
It is gratifying to know that people from the Indian sub continent are so concerned about my welfare and the seemingly endless ways in which they are prepared to go out of their way to help so that you can claim compensation for whiplash, sustained injuries, time off work, inconvenience, etc. All this is of course ‘entirely legal’, which I do find a little concerning because surely the last thing it would occur to you to say if something were entirely legal, would be that it was in fact ‘entirely legal’. Perhaps they should rephrase it and advise you that their main selling point might be a little ‘iffy in the right side of the law department.‘
So, suitably chuffed at their willingness to help that I thought I might take the time to make a few suggestions as to how their altruism may be streamlined to target the truly deserving, of which I must confess that I am not one.
Firstly, take the time to find out if your victim – sorry, horribly injured accident survivor – has in fact ever had an accident within the time frame that you are claiming. In my case this is easy. I am fortunate in never having had a motor vehicle accident (please note that I am desperately clutching a piece of wood at time of writing) and so I can only assume that your call is a genuine case of mistaken identity.
Secondly, as you plough through your carefully worded list of questions, please take the time to listen to the replies of your
vict horribly injured accident survivor.
My first caller did not bat an eyelid (perhaps I’m being unfair, he may have done – I couldn’t see him, so I can only imagine) when I told him that I had had to have my head amputated as a result of said ‘accident‘.
Instead he ploughed on to ask if any of my friends had been with me and whether they had suffered any injuries.
My sad explanation that their gory remains had been spread over several carriageways seemed about to encourage him to a higher level of questioning, so I hung up.
The second caller however seemed genuinely concerned about the fate of my friends. I was a little perturbed that she did not enquire about my welfare at all, but perhaps understandably so as I had told her that the passengers in my car had been the entire Manchester United first team squad. Being more than a little miffed that she did not want to know what devastating injuries I had suffered (I had a list!) I felt quite justified in hanging up on her too.
They build them tough in Birmingham – all these horrific accidents & ne’er a scratch!
Thirdly, Take the time to find out who you are calling. I am used to being addressed as, Mr David, Mr Dave sir, Sir David (do they know something that I don’t?), but perhaps the one that takes the biscuit came last year, during a spate of PPI calls – these telephonic inconveniences seem to travel in packs and all arrive in the space of a few weeks, collectively ‘a ringtone of scam calls’ perhaps? Hopefully this, sadly genuine, example may help:-
ME (ANSWERING PHONE): ‘Hello?’
CALLER: Is that Mr Rudolph Own?’
CALLER: ‘Mr Rudolph Own.’
ME: ‘I think you may have the wrong number.’
CALLER: ‘No, I’m for Rudolph Own.’
ME: ‘Are you fucking listening, there is no one of that name here!’
CALLER: ‘No Rudolph Own?’
ME: ‘For fucks sake…’
KATE (INTERRUPTING): ‘Who do they want?’
ME: ‘Some bloke called, Rudolph Own, never heard of…’
KATE: ‘I think you’ve spoken to his company before.’
KATE: He’s asking for ‘Mr Rude On Phone.’
ME (TO CALLER, WHILE HANGING UP): ‘Fuck off!’
What me? Rudolph Own?