Misty 3 – Ashley 1

As you know I just got married.
Yes, thanks for the pressies and the good wishes.

And I’ve been campaigning against the quarry down the road. We have to keep The Black Country green after all, don’t we, and building a quarry on a flood plain is not really a smart idea, let’s face it.
Well thanks, yes, ‘environmental warrior‘ is quite a glowing testament. Kind of you to say so.

So I suppose I ought to start writing again.
Yes, I know that’s what this is, thanks for pointing that out, but I mean real writing.
What?
O.k. let’s start again seeing as how you’re being so pedantic.
This is real writing, I agree.
But I’m talking about writing books.image
Yes, that’s right – another Misty book.

Like DOGNAPPED! yes.

Pardon?

You see everyone asks me that. Can you put our Fido in it, or can our Spot have a starring role?

Quite frankly – no!

O.k., o.k., I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but if I put in every pooch whose owners asked me to include them there would be no room for anything in the books but a list of names, would there?
Yes, I know there were 101 Dalmatians, but I bet you can’t recall all of their monickers now can you?
Thought not.

Oh go on then, you’re going to give it a bash. Somehow I thought you might. No, go on, go on. Let’s get it over with!

Pongo, Perdita. Well that’s the parents done.
Rolly, the cute little plump one.
Lucky, was that a guess?
Patch – yes he was the noisy one, wonder how you knew that!
No, I’m not implying anything, I was just wondering – out loud!
Freckles – well spotted! I know, a bad pun – sorry.
Penny.
Pepper.
Cruella de Ville, no I’m afraid not, she was the baddy if you remember.
Lady and Tramp, erm, wrong film I think you’ll find.
Rin Tin Tin!? Clutching at straws now aren’t we!

See it’s not as easy as you thought, is it?
Now I knew you were going to say that. Lassie indeed!

Where were we?
Isn’t that an interesting phrase, all those ‘w‘s and ‘e‘s.
Well I thought it was – I am an author now after all. These things float my boat.
I dare say you might think that, but I can assure you that I am not ‘a boring old fart,‘ as you so delicately put it!

Anyway, I’m going to start on the third Misty book.
Well of course Misty’s in it! Goes without saying really doesn’t it.
And One-Eyed Rose and Bertie.
Yes, Rascal’s in it too.

No, I’m afraid not.

No, I’m not kidding! Ashley’s not in it.
What do you mean, ‘Why not?
Well he’s not in the second book either is he!?
Oh, sorry forgot – it’s not out until November so you didn’t know that, did you?
Well sorry. It is a bit of a spoiler. I just forgot, is all.

What?
No, I’m not going to put Ashley in the third one ‘just to make up for it’!
Honestly! Some people!
Who’s writing these books, me or you?

Now, see, I doubt that you could make ‘a better job of it.
Yes, that may be ‘very patronising‘ of me as you put it, but the last time we discussed the first Misty book, DOGNAPPED! didn’t you say you only read it because you ‘liked the pictures’?
Thought so!

So I’ll write this one then if that’s o.k. with you.

Well don’t read it when it comes out then! See if I care.
It’s for kids anyway.

Oh, come on stop sulking!

Look, if I decide on a fourth I’ll see if I can put Ashley in it.IMG_0216
Better now?
What?
Hurry up and start writing then!
Why?
Oh, sod the next two, you want the one with Ashley in.
O.k.

Here’s a picture of him to keep you going.

Enjoy!

 

Power to The People’s Book Prize

Have you got a mo?
It’s just that I’ve got a bit of news.
Oh you know already?

How, if you don’t mind me asking? After all I only just found out…
Sorry? You what?
You think that I’m going to tell you about the honeymoon!
Honestly, you lot!
All you every think of is sex.
Well it is, isn’t it – be honest.
In fairness I have done a blog about that little adventure, but I thought that I’d tell you about this other news first.
What?
No this is nothing to do with sex either.
Really! Get a grip!
And no, that’s not a euphemism for anything.
Yes, I know I wrote a blog entitled ‘Sexual Healing‘ the other week, but I’m not going to make a habit of it.

O.k? Are we clear now?

Right then.
Back to business.

Thinking of previous blogs, do you remember that one I published a couple of weeks back, ‘Should I Practice My Speech?
What do you mean, ‘you didn’t bother.’
Why not?
No, I know that one wasn’t about sex either.
Is that what it takes to get you interested, a bit of titillation?
Stop sniggering at the back, ‘titillation‘ is a perfectly legitimate word.
Good grief!
Calm down for heavens sake! I only wanted to tell you about the book.
Yes, yes. ‘That old chestnut again.
Sorry if I’m boring you, but I’m genuinely excited about this and so is Misty.

Ah, yes – Misty. That got your attention didn’t it!
I’m sure she puts you up to this ‘I don’t care‘ act half the time just to pee me off!
Anyway, back to DOGNAPPED! I told you that it had been entered in The People’s Book Prize, didn’t I.
Yes I did!
It’s only gone and got through to the final!
How about that then!?

No I’m not making it up.
Yes, I know I do make a lot of things up, I am an author after all. It’s virtually part of the job description.
Yes, I know it’s a kids book.
It’s in the children’s section of the competition.
Yes, really!

See. Changed your tune now haven’t you.
Yes. I did write it all myself.
No – I don’t care what Misty said, she didn’t dictate it. Not all of it anyway.
Oh, see now, that’s just sour grapes that is. I know the illustrations by Ian R Ward are fantastic, but to even suggest that they’re the only reason that people bought…
Pardon?
You just looked at the pictures!IMG_0035
It’s not a bloody comic for heavens…
O.k.
Yes.

I am, I am.
…7, 8, 9, 10.
I’ve calmed down now, thank you.
I just thought you’d be pleased for me.
For a change.
Just this once.
I was chuffed anyway.
Even Misty smiled.

Isn’t she cute when she does that?

Should I practise my speech?

Have you seen it?
I know.
How about that then, eh?
Little old me up for, ‘The People’s Book Prize.
Pardon?
What do you mean, ‘What for?
For ‘DOGNAPPED!’ of course!Cover with Title
Honestly, sometimes I think I have to explain things rather too much and…

What!?
Well what else would it be for!?
It is the only book I’ve written after all.
Yes, I know there’s ‘IN THE DOGHOUSE!’ too, but that’s not out yet, is it!
No it’s not.
Not until November.
We spoke about this – remember?
So. ‘DOGNAPPED!’ Up for an award.
Misty’s chuffed.
So am I to be honest.
To bits!
Well, see – there are eight finalists all together.
For the summer 2016 prize.
So there’s a one in eight chance of winning.
Well rather more than that actually – because you’ll vote for it won’t you?
Of course you will.
You’ve read it after all.
Yes you did, I saw you.
And heard you giggling.
There’s no shame in that.
Yes, I know it’s for kids but you know what? Mums and Dads like it too.
No, I know they won’t admit it either, but they do.
So what do you think, should I practice my speech?
For if I win of course! Pay attention please!
No you’re right. I’m getting ahead of myself.
A bit too optimistic.
Heading for a fall? Come on, there’s no need to get quite so melodramatic, surely.
Pardon? No, I don’t know. Hang on I’ll Google it.
Peoples Book Prize prize?
Yes, I know I stick my tongue out when I’m typing.
It is a bad habit, I agree.
No, I don’t think I should have ‘some sort of therapy,‘ as you put it.
Look, do you want to know what the bloody prize is or not!
Hang on, I just need to click…
See how much more difficult it is with my mouth closed?
Here we go. Oh! Fame and fortune, just as I thought.
So you will vote, won’t you.
Go on, I’ll split I with you.
You can have the fame…
What! You want the fortune?
Well I was rather looking forward to that myself!
Oh, have it your way!
Here’s the link.

http://www.peoplesbookprize.com/section.php?id=7

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Don’t forget to vote will you? Before the end of August!
Please!
Pretty, pretty please!

Misty will love you forever, see –

Now you can’t beat that, can you!?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dognapped-David-J-Robertson/dp/1785891448?

Me and Richard Madeley…

Now you all know that I’m not one to blow my own trumpet. Well not much anyway. O.k. A quick toot now and then perhaps.

Pardon? Oh! A full blown overture, you reckon! Have it your way.

Anyway, come over here and listen, I don’t want to shout it too loud, come on, hurry up, you’ll like this…

Ready?

O.k.

Sitting comfortably?

You sure?

Hold up, I’m coming to it, don’t get shirty!

It’s just that I’m excited.

Yes, again!

Remember Siri?

Yes, the computer voice whose real person, Susan Bennett was following me on Twitter, that’s the one. Glad you’ve been reading my previous blogs.

And John Gilstrap? Best selling author. Yeah, remember now? I blogged that he was following little old me too.

Well I’ve gone one better.

I have, honest.

No. This one’s not following me on Twitter actually. Nor Facebook, no.

No, he’s not following me on any sodding social media platforms! Just calm down and let me tell you for heaven’s sake!

It’s, erm, you ready? I know, I know, but I’m just so thrilled! It’s – Richard Madeley!

There, I said it.

Yes, THE Richard Madeley. The one from Richard and Judy.

No, I’m sure! It’s not just ‘some bloke with the same name.’

I must say you’re not very trusting.

You what? Oh, how do I know him.

Let’s just say that we’re virtually neighbours.

I’m at 21

He’s at 19

Honest!

We’re like ‘that’, me and Rich!

Both writers, see.

Same age.

He’s married.

I’m about to be.

I’m so good looking.

He’s well, let’s be generous, he’s passable.

So much in common.

Yes, I take your point. He’s successful, I’m not, but hey; you never know, do you?

Well no, we’re not in the same street exactly. I live in a mobile home after all.

My mate Richard wouldn’t, now would he. I bet he’s got a very nice place somewhere.

What?

‘How are we neighbours then?’ I was just coming to that.

Well it’s a podcast.

Thanks to Paul Teague for the interview by the way.

I’m episode 21.

Blog-Self-Publishing-Journeys-600x300He was episode 19.

Well I’m sorry you find that revelation a tad disappointing.

I thought it was something to write home about…

What?

No I don’t know who’s on episode 20.

Hang on I’ll have a look.

Here we go.

A former journalist. Leila Dewji. Now she’s offering consultancy services to self published authors.

Well yes, as you say perhaps I could benefit from something like that.

Doubt I’d use her though.

She is excellent. I listened to Paul interviewing her a short while ago.

Very informative, extremely interesting.

But can you imagine. ‘Oooh! I’m next door to Richard Madeley.’ every few minutes.

It would be unbearable, wouldn’t it?

Can’t stomach those name dropping self-promoters, can you?

But – back to my new bestest mate…

No, he hasn’t asked me onto his show, but once again you never know…

What? Oh, you were asking about the podcast show?

Sorry, for a moment there I thought you were expecting to see me on t.v.

The very thought!

Actually, now you’ve said it…

And I was on Radio WM the other day…

Anyway it’s http://www.self-publishing-journeys.com

My episode is out on Monday 25th of July if you want to listen.

Richard’s is already available.

It’s very well worth listening to.

But I would say that, wouldn’t I?

Now he’s a mate.

…I wonder if he’s read DOGNAPPED!? I bet he has. Probably reads it to Judy in bed. I hope she enjoyed it, I mean people do tell me it’s very good, but you never know for sure, do you?

Anyway, if he hasn’t here’s a link so he can get it – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dognapped-David-J-Robertson

Wonder if he’ll leave me a review on Amazon too?

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ROPOPOV…

Just to prove that I can do new stuff here on WordPress, here’s a little something that I wrote yesterday. This is day 8 of my 10 day course by the way, so you won’t have to suffer this much longer!

There are times when I’m writing that I do like to invent the odd word. ‘Authorish,‘ was a recent example. I forget the context but it doesn’t really matter now. I know it’s not a proper word because my word processor underlines it in red and the predictive text tries to change it to authorised.
It’s not the first example of my butchering of the English language and it certainly won’t be the last. But friends, I feel that I may have taken this habit (some may say bad habit) to its extreme.
Yes, I fear that I may have taken that process a tad too far. Did you ever read that short story by Stephen King (or it may have been his alter-ego, Richard Bachman) about the guy always striving to take shorter and shorter cuts home until he’s virtually getting back before he’s set out. In the end he wound up with all sorts of demons from hell stuck to his front bumper (sorry, fender! I forgot how adept the Yanks are at skewing our language too).
What on earth’s he waffling on about now?‘ I hear you cry.
Bear with me.
Incidentally, isn’t ‘waffling‘ a wonderful word. I wonder who came up with that one? Our old mate Shakey Bill perhaps?
But I digress.
You see I was out walking the dogs along the canal towpath. The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, ducks quacking – you get the picture. In the distance I notice a chap jogging toward us. He’s a long way off. This is a good thing. It gives me a chance to organise the troops.
Sit, Misty.
But she had spotted him ages ago and is sat already. Border collies are good like that!

IMAG0200

Millie, being a border terrier/ Jack Russell cross is a different matter. Call it little dog syndrome if you like.
I call it being a pain in the arse!
I command her to stay. She ignores me. I tell her to sit. Same result. Her tail starts to wag. Something is coming her way and she’s going to bite it on the ankle.
I grab her.
I wrestle her to the floor.
I attach her to a very tight, short lead.

IMG_0036

Chummy rushes past in a cloud of dust.
Thanks!‘ he calls over his shoulder.
And how do I repay this verbal generosity?
Ropopov.
What!!?
Where the hell did that come from?
Was I conceivably Russian in a former life?
It wasn’t as though I had some well thought out response rattling around my brain and simply tripped over the vowels and consonants.
No. There was nothing in my head at all.
Who said ‘no change there then!‘ There’s no need!
Like I said, nothing sprang to mind at all.
Except, ‘ropopov.
Fortunately not only was I incoherent, I was also extremely quiet, so I don’t think he heard me.
But seriously?
Ropopov!
Bloody hell!
So there you have it. I have obviously tampered with my native tongue far too much and now the devil’s hordes have attached themselves to my bottom lip.
I’m signing out now, so ‘ropopov,‘ to you all.
And you can make of that what you like.
Well, I’ve got to get some use from it now that I’ve invented it.
And besides, I think it has quite a ring to it, don’t you?

DOGNAPPED! Day – Yay!

Here we are on day 7 of this trawl around previous blogs. In case you’d forgotten these were originally posted on an obscure page well away from view and so I’ve just resurrected a few to coincide with a WordPress online course that I’ve undertaken.

And just occasionally I like to blog about my own stuff. In this case my children’s book, DOGNAPPED! It was released at the end of April and to celebrate that fact here is the blog I wrote at the time.

You might like it – the book as well as the blog. It’s doing very well with six 5* and one 4* reviews on Amazon – non of which are by anyone even remotely related to me, just in case you were wondering. And here’s a link to it, you know, just in case I’ve piqued your interest…

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dognapped-David-J-Robertson/dp/1785891448?

Personally I don’t think that’s too bad, even for a book with Boris Johnson in it! That’s him in the last picture, doling out the medals in his capacity as Mayor. Better not tell him though eh? He might want a copy for free! Here’s DOGNAPPED! Day – Yay! :-

So.

Here we are.

At last.
28th. April 2016.
Mark it well.
Official publication day for DOGNAPPED!
Cover with Title
It’s been a long time coming.
If you’ve missed all the hype it’s a kids book.
For kids.
About 7 – 9 years of age.
I recommend that you buy it for younger children and read it to them.
Because you’ll enjoy it too.
I know.
Because I wrote it.
Yes, me.
David J Robertson.
I even have an authors name now.
This is called blowing your own trumpet.
Loudly, I hope.

It’s about my dog.4a 300 copy
Misty.
And her friends.
Having an adventure.
On a boat.
There’s no hidden message.
Or agenda.
Or political correctness.
If you do see any of the above you’re looking too hard.
It’s just fun.
For kids.
So rush out and order it.
From Waterstones.
Or W.H.Smith.
Perhaps your local independent bookshop.
Even Amazon if you like.
There’s a link to Matador at the bottom of the page.
That’s the publisher.4b 300 copy
And a very nice job they’ve done of it too.

I’d like to say the same about Ian R Ward.
He’s the illustrator.
But sadly I can’t.
That’s because he’s done an absolutely brilliant job!
Stunning in fact.
He’s made the book what it is.
Fantastic.

But I would say that.
Wouldn’t I?
Now I’m an author.
Officially.
Today.IMG_0216

So – like it.
Share it.
Shout it from the rooftops.
Make it so viral the internet will need a tanker full of Lemsip to recover!
As long as it’s recovered for October.
In time for the second one.
IN THE DOGHOUSE!
The one after DOGNAPPED!
You will buy it?
Won’t you?
Good.
Misty will be well chuffed.
Won’t she?

http://www.troubador.co.uk/book_info.asp?bookid=3775

8 300 copy

Whatever happened to the Mayans..?

Hi there, me again.

In our little ramble through past blogs (on the platform with very little responses) to coincide with my Branding and Blogging course on WordPress, I came across this gem from last year. I thought that you might like it.

Kate and I had taken a cruise up the figityjords in Norway – to celebrate my still being here after a heart attack – and we unexpectedly came upon the answer to one of mankind most puzzling questions.

First published in August 2015 – Whatever did happen to the Mayans..?

It is a conundrum that has troubled me for years, but now, in Norway, I believe that I may at last be able to shed some light on one of mankind’s enduring mysteries – whatever became of the Mayan civilisation?

Yes, those funny little South American Indian chaps who all of a sudden upped sticks and buggered off to who knew where, leaving behind a few poxy pyramids and a pretty depressing prophecy of mankind’s imminent demise.

Bear with me and I’ll fill you in.

We docked in Stavanger (backwards! I guess the Captain was on the pop last night too and decided to do a handbrake turn.) A pretty place, quite a bustling little city really. I say city because it has its own cathedral, although not much bigger than most places parish church back home. Had a wander round, the dockside, the old town, the market…

‘No!’ I hear you cry, ‘Not the market! Isn’t Kate with you?’

Well yes she is and thank you for your concern, but thankfully the bank have blocked her card because she didn’t tell them that she was going away – shame!

Anyway, I digress. Who should be at the aforementioned market but a few South American Indians selling woollen goods from their stalls. You know the sort of thing, woolly pullies with nicely embroidered geometric patterns or knitted Canadian Moose on the front. O.k – they may be Elk, let’s not get too pedantic! You could also buy those caps with the flaps and the long dangly tassels that serve no discernible purpose whatsoever.

Which got me to thinking – you see I’ve also been to Madeira, another cruise ship resort. Who do you bump into at the top of the mountain selling the same sort of stuff ‘cos the chances are it may turn a bit chilly. And you’ve left your jumper at the beachfront hotel because you never had the foresight to think it might be a tad colder two thousand feet up. There’s no faulting these people for their marketing acumen. You got it – the Mayans! They’ll be down at the seafront too, roasting chestnuts and playing the bloody pan pipes, trying to flog you a C.D that you’ll never play again once you get home.

What enterprise! You can’t knock ’em for it, can you!

Hold on though! Yes I know what you’re going to say, ‘Where do they get the wool from?

I’m ahead of you there, I’ve seen a poster – you’ll never guess what they have here in Norway.

Llamas!

Yes really! Woolly things that spit at you. Can’t get a lot more South American than that, can you? No, I don’t know how you would go about shearing a Llama now you ask – they obviously manage it somehow – but very, very carefully I should think.

So there we have it – Mayans, Llamas and a misunderstanding. It appears that they never made a prediction for the end of Mankind, it was the date on their business plan when they thought that they might break even. Let’s face it you have to offset the value of sales against the cost of purchasing, feeding and stabling a herd (is it a herd or a ‘gob’) of Llama’s and take into account the wages of a tribe of knitting South American nana’s.

Well let’s face it – they were really shit at building pyramids.

Stick with me folks, you don’t get stuff like this on the Open University, do you?

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From Billy Joel to Billy Whizz…

 

 

I promised you some re-hashed blogs earlier. Here’s todays contribution, first published on 3rd of December 2015. Hope you enjoy, there’ll be another one along tomorrow.

IMG_0207

Did I ever mention that Kate had a horse?
No?
Well sorry for the omission, but let’s set the record straight here and now because there happens to be a bit of news of an equine nature.
Kate had a horse. Notice the ‘had’ – past tense.
Kate has actually had a few horses. She takes in youngsters who have had a rough start in life and brings them on.
Fair play to her for that.
Very admirable.
There’s been Roxy, Paddy, Bella and Ted. All now happily re-homed.
The latest grateful benificiary of Kate’s ministrations was Buddy. That’s him in the picture above.
Yes, the one on the left.
You what? No need, really!
Buddy horse has now gone the way of his predecessors and will be living with a nice young lady in Chesterfield. There she is putting Buddy into the transporter for his journey. All’s well that ends well.

IMG_0211

Except…
You knew this was coming didn’t you?
I certainly did!
There is now a void in Kate’s life that nothing can fill unless it is vaguely horse shaped.
We discussed it.
‘Winter’s coming,’ I said. ‘Leave it a bit – get Christmas out of the way. And don’t forget that we’re going to have a really busy year next year.’
Well we are, one way and another.
Her daughter and her family are coming over from the U, S of A in March.
At the end of that same month her son gets married.
In April I’ve got a book coming out (did I mention that?) DOGNAPPED! order it on Amazon now https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dognapped-David-J-Robertson/dp/1785891448? Sorry, commercial break over.
Later in the year we have the small matter of our own wedding to arrange and conduct.
I think that you might agree that we’re going to have our work cut out.
Kate certainly agreed.
‘Yes, you’re right.’ she said.
Honestly.
She said that.

27 hours and 15 sodding minutes.

That’s exactly how long we were horseless.

Really!

I was so staggered by the whole saga that I’ve written a song about it! Remember ‘Piano Man,’ by Billy Joel – get that tune humming around your head. Got it?
With all it’s da de da’s?

Ha! See all the kids running to You Tube – WTF? We dough no ’bout ‘im! Zee a rappa ore wah?

Never mind, read on:-

GET ME A HORSE – WHAT’S THE MATTER MAN!?

It’s nine o’clock on a Sunday
And Buddy is going away
Kate turns to I
With a tear in her eye
I know what she’s going to say.

She says, Dave I think this is killing me
As the smile ran away from her face
I don’t care for the cost
‘Cos I really feel lost
Without a small horse in this place

Lie de die did e die
Lie lie did e die
Clippy clop

‘Get me a horse, what’s the matter man!?
Get me a horse today
I don’t care if it’s wrong
If it’s tall, short or long
If it’s equine it’s going to stay!’

Now here we are twenty hours later
Both sipping a drink in the pub
She’s well deep in thought
‘Cos her face has gone taut
And I think that she’s going to blub

And then she bangs on the table
So hard that I spit out my beer
She’s googled a nag
From the phone in her bag
And shouts ‘Come on, let’s get out of here!’

Lie de die did e die
Lie lie did e die
Clippy clop

We’ve hotfooted down to the stable
In less time than it takes to blink
She’s drawn out some loot
And the pony looks cute
Is she having it? – what do you think!

So the deal is all done and dusted
I really had nothing to say
She says, ‘How much was it?’
As she pays the deposit
‘Oh, and throw in a bundle of hay.’

‘Get me a horse, what’s the matter man!?
Get me a horse today
I don’t care if it’s wrong
If it’s tall, short or long
If it’s equine it’s going to stay!’

‘Are you crazy!?’ I hear you all asking
‘Are you really that easily swayed?’
But I’d took the wrong stance
Now I know there’s no chance
Of hoping that I might get laid.

Because the damn horse it needs feeding
And grooming, it’s starting to vex
I’ve been sold a pup
‘Cos there’s poo to pick up
And there’s never no time now for sex!

Lie de die did e die
Lie lie did e die
Clippy clop

‘Get me a horse, what’s the matter man!?
Get me a horse today
I don’t care if it’s wrong
If it’s tall, short or long
If it’s equine it’s going to stay!’

So here he is folks.
He’s about a year old and so unbearably cute!
May I introduce you ladies and gentlemen to – Billy Whizz!

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Cat flap next?
Yeah, that’s what I thought – I’ve seen that advert too!