Procrastination as an art form

So – after a period of unproductive procrastination which has compromised of many hours on social media, many hours contemplative navel gazing and an inordinate amount of just plain faffing about I decided to write again.
Let’s face it, for an author procrastination is not so much a hinderance – it’s more of an art form really isn’t it?
Now I should perhaps say that I am waiting for the third ‘Misty’ book to be published, so there could have been a pinch of resting on my laurels thrown into that little mix just for good measure.
So, with my typing finger in hand – in truth it was always there, I was just using it to pick my nose – I set about editing my sci-fi/ fantasy novel.
I never liked the ending, I must confess, so after ten long years of deliberation I decided to change it.
Well you can’t rush these things, can you?
The trouble though with doing that is that there are parts of this weighty tome which allude to what the ending might be much earlier in the manuscript.
So those have to change too.
This is where the ‘writing’ as opposed to ‘editing’ comes about.
Well I’d forgotten what a pain in the arse it was, especially with the one finger keyboard poking affliction with which I am saddled.

Oh how I wish that I could type as effortlessly as Jerry Lewis in that scene from ‘Who’s Minding The Store?’ Remember that? No? Look it up on YouTube. (It’s not procrastination, it’s research).

Incidentally I notice that the poor old bugger recently popped his clogs – no doubt we’ll be mourning his passing for many a long year. Confused? Then you haven’t read my blog, ‘Doctor Who and the Lazarus Effect,’ have you. Do keep up!
Anyway, I printed out a rainforest of paper (this is going to be an eBook after all, so it doesn’t really count, does it?) and slashed at it with a red pen. Then, satisfied that the affected parts had been cut away, except for that bit – I really liked the way I’d phrased that, oh, oh, and that bit – that was really funny.
Pardon?
Yes you’re right.
They have to go too.
Root and branch.
Into the bin.
It’s not too late though, I can still fish them out…
Oh, all right.
Jeez, you’re ruthless you lot aren’t you.
See, now look what’s happened. That bit is now where that other part should be, the one in chapter two; or was it forty seven? Hmmm!

Don’t worry, I can get around it.
Trust me, I’m an author.

We’ll make him a her and have her do this instead of that.
Better?
That doesn’t sound quite right, does it?
Nor that.
And does this tie in with that scene I wrote in chapter three?
I didn’t think so.
Am I showing or telling?
If only I’d written it from a different perspective.
Set it in a different time.
And place.
Perhaps with other characters?

Yes, that’s it!
Of course the plot line will have to change.
And the outcome.
Thinking about it, you’re right.
It is a little bit darker than before.
And you think that it’s what?
A different genre!?
Do you really think..?
You know I think you may be right.
Now I need a new title!
And a different sodding cover.
I’d virtually sorted the synopsis and the blurb for the back.
Now I’ll have to…
Do you think that dedication is still appropriate?
No, nor me.
You know what – now I’ve got two bloody books to edit!
FFS!

Pass me that box set of Game Of Thrones.
I need to chill out.
Watch it for the third time from – well, from the beginning I suppose.
All seven series.
See you later.
Much, much later!

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Caught short in the throne room!

I’m back again. Be fair, I did give you the weekend off! Anyway, here we go again rehashing old blogs for my new WordPress platform. This one was a bit of a rant about Game of Thrones from back in January this year, it went something like this:-

Hello everyone.

I hope that you all had the Christmas and New Year you were hoping for.

I know, sorry,
I’ve been a bit lax in the blogging department over the Christmas break.
What’s that?
You’ve missed me? Nice of you to say so.
I missed you too, thanks for the card by the way.

However there was a very good reason for my absence – Kate and I were watching Game of Thrones.
From the beginning.
All fifty episodes of it.
That’s five whole series.

Impressive huh?

Have you seen it? It’s part medieval saga, part gothic fantasy. There are zombies. There be dragons. There is violence and gore graphically displayed. In between fighting the men pop off down to the local whorehouse, provided of course that they’ve got enough working bits left intact. Must be something to do with relieving the tension! There are an awful lot of unclothed lady parts on view.
I closed my eyes – honest!

At a rare outing away from the carnage and debauchery I told my brother’s family what we were doing and as one they all started humming the theme tune! They’d seen it already, so we stuck our fingers in our ears and sang ‘lardy dardy da’ at the top of our voices so that they couldn’t spoil the ending.
As it turns out we wish we hadn’t bothered, because how do I feel now, apart from a thumping, over exposure to telly, headache?

Disappointed really.

‘Oh no,’ I hear you cry, ‘for heavens sake why?‘
It’s not sodding finished, that’s why!
Sky Atlantic didn’t point that little wrinkle out at the beginning, did they! Apparently there’s supposed to be another two series to come: except – the books haven’t actually been written yet. But did they tell us that as the opening titles came up?
No!
They left that to Melvin Bragg on the South Bank Show right after the last episode. Up he pops after the ‘de de diddle diddle de bop’ cello music looking like he’s dipped his head in a bucket of black emulsion – I mean honestly, he ought to be as grey as I am! Grow old gracefully, man!
‘Today on The South Bank Show,’ he nasally tells us – how on earth did he ever get a job as a t.v. presenter when he talks down his nostrils like that? – ‘I shall be interviewing Game of Thrones writer, George R R Martin.’
And he did.
And George R R tells us with a bit of an embarrassed giggle that he hasn’t finished penning book six yet.
He missed his deadline.
Again.
He’s ever so apologetic but he’s been ‘a bit busy.‘

What!!!?

‘So, where exactly that leaves us with what ought to be the final book, book seven, isn’t clear,’ Melvyn’s nose gleefully tells us, as his artificially darkened locks happily bounce up and down. Don’t try to kid us, Mel, we can tell when you’re laughing!

Are you kidding!!!?

It turns out that telly series six will be a bit of a guess. When the book finally comes out it may be a bit different, depending on what sort of mood old George is in at the time.
Well at least us poor short changed punters know what the R R stands for now, don’t we! Royally Rogered!

I write as one who under no circumstances whatsoever would watch the first Lord of the Rings film until I knew the other two were completed. Call me pedantic but I like to see the finished article, rather than some half arsed attempt!
I did accidentally see the first Star Wars film – someone had it on at their house whilst I was there – but I steadfastly refuse to watch the rest until all of the promised nine are in the can. I’ll probably die first, but hey ho, at least I won’t feel cheated.

So all I can do now is wait for the author to catch up and then sit through the whole lot again.

Pardon?
No, it’s all to do with continuity – nothing to do with lady parts at all.

As if!