Jogle Blogle – ‘Blogle HQ control, we have a problem.’

At 9:32a.m. on Saturday 29th June 2019 the following distress signal was received at Blogle H.Q.

Blogle HQ control we have a problem STOP Jogler sub-support system experiencing chronic fatigue STOP Catastrophic repeat CATASTROPHIC failure imminent STOP Emergency re-supply requested OUT

Our hearts were heavy and our eyes were moist as, not for the first time on this mission, we prepared ourselves for the worst. Would Steve’s walk from John O’Groats to Land’s End have to be abandoned?

Immediately we back at Blogle HQ began poring over the technical manuals to identify a) the problem, and b) the answer.

Also it was imperative to locate the position of the Mini-Jogler to establish as to whether a successful re-supply mission could be attempted, if and when a feasible solution was found.

Fortunately the problem was found to be immediately apparent. Not only that but the cause was quickly identified.

From in depth analysis it was determined that the Joglers sub-support system was indeed compromised and that any, all, or a combination of the following conditions had led to this vital component of the Jogle becoming at risk of sudden collapse:-

1/ The Jogler had eaten far too much custard and cake on his journey, causing him to gain weight as opposed to losing it.

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2/ The Jogler had consumed too much ale, with the same consequence as (1) above.

3/ The Jogler had consumed too much custard AND too much ale, leading to failure as described in (1) above. High level discussions determined that this combined with (4) & (5) below were by far the most likely scenario.

4/ The unfortunate decision to include the 3 peaks on the Joglers charity walk from John O’Groats to Land’s End had led to a serious miscalculation regarding the durability and life expectancy of the Joglers sub-support system.

5/ The Joglers ridiculous decision (as highlighted by the Blogler on many occasions) to climb each peak and then return in the same direction, rather than carrying on over the top and down the other side, had increased the mileage to be covered by such an extent that the Joglers sub-support system was simply doomed to failure. Perhaps at this point I should simply say, I told you so! And who has to sort it out for him? Exactly, little old moi!

The answer was blindingly obvious. The Jogler needed new footwear – immediately!

Fortunately within minutes the Mini-Jogler (by now back at Jogle base camp, here in the Black Country) had also responded to the distress call and had contacted an ancient but noble sect of shoe makers to commission another pair. And that load of old cobblers would not let us down. Immediately they began crafting footwear of the finest quality products from this region. The uppers were made from the finest cut glass lead crystal (toughened of course) proving once and for all that the glass slippers of Cinderella were no myth. Laces were wrought from the very same iron which created the chains which held the Titanic anchor. The tongues were each lovingly carved from a single scratching upon the virtuous thigh of a Black Country maiden from a mould previously made of the Jogler’s foot. The soles were forged from nails to prove that a proper mon from these parts can walk on anything. The left hand side was inscribed with the letter ‘L’ to ensure that the Jogler did not become confused whilst the Jogler sub-support system was being installed. And of course there was the corresponding ‘R’ sole.

The difficulty now became exactly how to carry out the re-supply mission. Communication with the Jogler was sparse to say the least, but he was believed to be somewhere in Mid-Walles, accompanied by the Jogleress.

It quickly became apparent that the Mini-Jogler was in no fit state to carry out the mission as he had yet to recover from his exertions in climbing Snowdon a few days previously.

Contact had been lost with the Jogleressette, who was missing, presumed abducted by aliens (or dragged off by the Baggies at the very least).

If you recall, in the previous emergency, when the Jogler had to be topped up with wi-fi, see

https://mistybooks.wordpress.com/2019/06/03/jogle-blogle-emergency-interim-report/

the ‘Crippled Duck’ had been deployed. Contact was made with the Blogler’s Mate, but unfortunately due to extreme wi-if exposure that proud craft had had to be buried beneath a lake of grey peas ‘n bacon. We salute you noble vessel and thank you for your gallant efforts!

It was decided that a stealth mission should be launched. It is well known that the Wellsh llanguage is so dangerous that the ‘Ll’s’ and ‘Ff’s’have to travel around in pairs to avoid being mugged by random lone ‘Y’s’ which are reported to be very vicious.

To that end, the Bllogller’s Lland Rover is being readied, a bllack Ffreellander modell, to hopeffulllly avoid detection. 

As the Jogller and Joglleress’s  position is not preciselly known, the Bllogllers hounds, Bllue and Milllly, are being readied to ffollllow the scent.

Allso, in anticipation of the Blloger becoming incapacitated by llack off ffood, the Bllogllers Wiffe is also being prepared ffor the mission.

Updates willll (sorry- I’llll just switch scramblle code mode to offff) There’s better, isn’t it, look you! As I was saying, updates will follow but they may seriously compromise and delay future Blogle transmissions. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Lush!

FOOTNOTE: (Footnote! Dear oh dear, I have to smile myself sometimes!)

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As witnessed by the Jogler himself whilst in darkest Scotland when he was passed by the 4:20 Virgin to Inverness, part of the account above has been found to be erroneous. Due to a distinct scarcity of Black Country maidens, the tongues of his shoes have had to be made from man made polymers and therefore the longevity of this replacement pair cannot be guaranteed!

 

 

 

If you cracked so much as a smile during this Emergency Blogle, then feel free to contribute to Steve’s just giving page for Macmillan Cancer Support at http://bit.ly/2Tzmjwi

After all, you’d pay good money for this if David Walliams had written it!

If you failed to even titter, then this post was written by, David Walliams.

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Jogle Blogle – Day 39 & Day 40

Jogle Blogle – Day 39 & Day 40

Day 39 dawned wet and rainy again as the Jogler and Jogleress prepared to tackle the third mountain on this, my brother Steve’s walk from John O’Groats to Land’s End and 3 peaks challenge.

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But hold on, what’s this? The Mini-Jogler has turned up for moral support and bought with him a seemingly random bunch of blokes. There’s Ian, Matt A, Matt W, Mark, Rob and last but not least – last seen working in a chip shop – Aaron. Incidentally – see if you can guess which one has the selfie stick? That’s right – Bruce Willis.

Now as you know dear reader I have not shirked in my dedication to the Blogle but if you think that I’m going to write, the Jogler, the Jogleress, the Mini-Jogler, Ian, Matt A, Matt W, Mark, Rob and Aaron from the chip shop, every five minutes – just to get the word count up, then you’re very much mistaken. In light of the fact that my brother still hasn’t heeded my advice that when he reaches the peak of a mountain he should carry on in the same direction but instead turns around and comes down the way he went up, I have a plan. We’ll call Ian, Matt A, Matt W, Mark, Rob and that well known Elvis impersonator Aaron, collectively – Two Direction.

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IMG_3471So they set off in the direction of Snowdon with Two Direction in tow. The weather brightened. Hooray! Then it got worse again. Boo! Which meant that at the summit, as has been the case on all of the peaks, there wasn’t much of a view. So we only have the obligatory shirt waving selfie. The occasion was marked, fittingly by Mark, with a celebratory bottle of Bathams.

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And so to the descent where they encountered wildlife of the day – a mountain sheep.

 

 

 

 

 

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And then – I’m afraid that then the inevitable happened. After one final selfie in slightly better weather, Two Direction split! Yes, Aaron (after a successful solo career) and Rob probably dissatisfied with the direction that Two Direction we’re going decided that they would be better off as a duo and legged it. Isn’t it always the way?

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Ian, Matt A, Matt W and Mark decided to keep the group name as they posed for one last photo at the start of the Rhyd Ddu path (although it was their end) as a reminder of their day of glory before they too melted away into obscurity – well, after a quick pint anyway.

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The Jogleress and Mini-Jogler bade Steve a hearty farewell, leaving him to Jogle alone back along the valley to Beddgelert, as the skies brightened, and to his digs for the night, looking forward to a well earned rest on Day 40.

Well done bro – it’s all downhill from here. 

If you’d like to find out Steve’s reasons for doing this and perhaps donate to his chosen charity, Macmillan Cancer Support, then visit his just giving page at http://bit.ly/2Tzmjwi

Stats of the day were:-

Mileage: 14.4   Total: 717.13

Steps: 35,334   Total: 1,460,438

Time taken: 8 hours 7 minutes and 8 seconds – but I’m guessing that some of that was in the pub! 

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Footnote: Once she got back to civilisation, the Jogleress posted a picture of the group at the summit of Snowdon on Facebook (other social media platforms are available). Facebook’s facial recognition program tagged me, the Blogler, as being there. When I looked, the little white square thingy indicating that FB thought it was me, was actually around the fizzog* of the Jogler. Now I’m not denying that the Jogler is an exceedingly handsome chap, but this can only mean one of two things. Firstly, that Facebook assumes that I am seven years younger than I actually am or secondly, it thinks that Steve is seven years older – well he did have a hard paper round! 

*The Jogle Blogle accepts no responsibility for any Black Country terms which may accidentally have been used.

Jogle Blogle – Day 38

Jogle Blogle – Day 38

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IMG_3395The Jogler and Jogleress stopped for a mirrored selfie as they left Betws-Y-Coed on Day 38 of the Jogle. No rain today for a pleasant change during this walk on the next leg of Steve’s traipse through the countryside from John O’Groats to Land’s End which was along relatively traffic free roads. This was the best picture they could get of Swallow Falls as they were unwilling to pay the £2.50 entrance fee. Entrance fee!? When did that happen. And who owns nature anyway! 

By the way – just a reminder that it is also Day 38 of the Blogle on this, National Writing Day @writeday

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They nearly passed the Ugly House – a renovated tearoom come conservation, boulder built cottage owned by the Snowdonia Society – but they took a side road instead which led them past this stagecoach, a local landmark in Capel Curig belonging to the Tyn-Y-Coed Inn. The original coach was purchased by a former owner from the film company which produced Hitchcock’s, Jamaica Inn. In the 1980’s it was exchanged for the current Yorkshire Stagecoach which was then completely refurbished and painted in the livery of the Royal Mail. Why a stagecoach? The Inn stands on the A5 which was built by Thomas Telford to take, among other things,  Irish M.P.’s in style from Holyhead to London.

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They stopped at The Caffi for a cream tea at elevenses before making their way past a nice little church and the National Outdoor Centre at Plas Y Brenin.

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Wildlife of the day was a Golden Eagle, although it may have been a seagull.

 

 

IMG_3420IMG_3425Another selfie, this time blocking out the scenery at Llyn Gwynant before finding out that in this part of the world, cabbages are a protected species. 

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Past the copper mine and into Beddgelert. Now I’m not going to regale you with tales which may or not be true of the hound named Gelert which was mistakenly killed after protecting its family, but instead as a purveyor of children’s stories will tell you that the writer and illustrator of the Rupert Bear tales, Alfred Bestall once lived here. Also the area around here has been the setting for many a film, including The Inn of the Sixth Happiness and Tomb Raider 2.

 

 

As you can see from the stats below, today’s mileage was relatively modest, but the Jogler has amassed some 200 miles in the last 8 days. Quite impressive for someone of his advancing years. And Snowdon awaits tomorrow, so join us on the Jogle Blogle then. Meanwhile, if you’d like to donate to Steve’s chosen charity Macmillan Cancer Support, the link to his just giving page is http://bit.ly/2Tzmjwi

Mileage: 18.1   Total: 702.73

Steps: 36,898    Total: 1,425,104

Time Taken: 6 hours 24 minutes and 38 seconds

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Jogle Blogle – Interim Report

Jogle Blogle – Interim Report

And so it came to pass, dear Jogle Blogle reader, that for the first time during his walk from John O’Groats to Land’s End the Jogler has failed to submit his account of his journey during Day 33. Somewhat ironically it also happened to be the halfway point of Steve’s charity walk for Macmillan Cancer Support http://bit.ly/2Tzmjwi , but the message received here at Blogle HQ last night was,

‘I’m exhausted and only have the energy to sip gently at my Horlicks before I fall unconscious into bed. I may be some time.’

Rather reminiscent of Titus Oates and Scott’s fateful Antarctic mission, I thought.

Now at this point I dare say that I could make something up, a fabricated report of how the brave Jogler has strained every fibre of his being in an effort to get from Lancaster to Preston. But no! I know that you only expect the most honest of accounts and it behoves me to adhere to the most strict of disciplines.

Make something up!?

Moi!

As if!

So we’ve got to wait I’m afraid until he can be arsed to get in touch again.

In the meantime, I was followed today on my Twitter account (other social media platforms are available) by @JogleMr who is about to start training for his own Jogle next year. He will be starting in April and cycling and wild camping the length of Britain.

Good luck with that sir.

He is currently seeking a worthwhile charity to support, so if you have any suggestions please contact him and let him know. If you don’t have a Twitter account then let me know here at Blogle HQ and I’ll forward your comments on.

I wonder if he wants a diarist for his adventure? I could turn professional. Blogler to the Joglers – or even Lejogs, it might be nice to go the other way for a change – stop sniggering at the back, I don’t know what you thought I was inferring!

I might get an award – The Queens Award for British Blogling. Liz and Phil would ask me round to their place for tea and cakes.

They might even make a film of the Blogle, Jason Mamoa would take my part obviously, we have a similar physique.

What’s that? ‘Who would play Steve?’ Hmm! Difficult that, now that Norman Wisdom is no longer with us.

But whatever, it’ll be huge. I wonder how much they pay for film rights these days? Perhaps I should get an agent. It could win an Emmy, or an Oscar, or a Brit award, or I could lie about my ethnicity and get a MOBO. They could make me president of the good ol’ US of A – they voted Reagan in after all.

Excuse me, I’ve got to go – acceptance speeches to write and all that.

If my brother gets in touch, tell him I may be some time.

Jogle Blogle – Day 28

Jogle Blogle – Day 28

IMG_3016Day 28 of the Jogle, my brother Steve’s walk from John O’Groats to Land’s End started well enough along the main road into Keswick, detours onto the forest track and views across to Catbells –  a particularly poignant location for our family.

As you are no doubt aware, having read previous Blogles – as revealed in the last couple of days the Jogler is struggling with a leg injury (what do you mean you haven’t read those two yet!? Go and stand in the corner with @KenPreston100 ! Yes, that’s him in the dunces cap, he hasn’t read any at all – I read his blog about his bloody comics! Bad Ken, bad bad Ken). Anyway Steve happened to pass and called into the local cottage hospital where he was seen by a nurse practitioner and doctor in less time than it takes to say ‘I’ve just spent 10 hours awaiting in the A & E department at Russell’s Hall Hospital and came back home unseen because I’d lost the will to live.’ He was diagnosed with ‘an infection, possibly due to an insect bite.’ Now I’m sorry, and I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t ring true to me. For my diagnosis see https://mistybooks.wordpress.com/2019/06/16/jogle-blogle-the-battle-of-good-vs-evil/ but be warned, I’ve made it as a separate post because the content is quite graphic and you wouldn’t want to let any young children inadvertently catch you reading it, would you? 

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So, dispatched out into Keswick the Jogler celebrated his erroneous diagnosis with a medicinal gooseberry crumble (it’s only the hairs on a gusgog that stop it from being a grape – memories of Dad all around here, eh bro?). Fortunately, although the doctors verdict was flawed, the treatment turned out to be the same for what Steve actually had, so that’s all right then.

IMG_3036IMG_3039IMG_3042Feeling positive he returned to taking scenic shots along the way, Skiddaw, Blencathra and Helvellyn among them.

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IMG_3055The most sensible road sign in the world

And the discovery that Cliff Richard and Sophie Ellis Bextor are entered into the 3:30 at Cartmell. 

 

 

 

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Thirlmere used to supply Manchester with its water.

 

 

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The obligatory wildlife shot of the day. Chickens! I ask you! I might as well have photographed my Sunday lunch! Still, I suppose he is in pain.

 

 

 

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And finally he engaged first gear as he dropped down into Chapel Stile for the night.

 

 

 

 

Stats of the day were:

Mileage: 23.4                        Total: 48,583

Steps: 45,728                         Total: 991,676

Time taken: 7 hours 39 minutes and 9 seconds – impressive given the terrain and bad leg!

If you’d like to contribute to the cause, Steve’s just giving page for Macmillan Cancer Support is http://bit.ly/2Tzmjwi

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Jogle Blogle – The Battle of Good vs Evil

Jogle Blogle – The Battle of Good vs Evil

DANGER: This post contains extremely graphic and upsetting content. It should only be read whilst wearing the correct PPE equipment in line with current health and safety guidelines – hard hat, hi-viz vest, safety glasses and safety boots. It is also recommended that you read this post with your eyes closed at all times and restrict your absorption of this post to no more than one sentence every four hours.

DISCLAIMER: The Blogler accepts no responsibility whatsoever for this post and by reading further you agree that you are doing so at your own risk.

Concerned about the increasing pain in his leg Steve sensibly called into the local cottage hospital en route to Keswick. There the doctor mistakenly diagnosed his condition as, ‘possibly an insect bite.’ Really doc?

Dear oh dear.

We all know the real reason don’t we loyal reader. If you’ve been Jogling along with us from the start (and if not, why not – especially you @KenPreston100 !) then the signs have been there since Day 1.

As we know, the Jogler set out from John O’Groats with an impediment intent on preventing him from getting to Land’s End, or at least determined that poor Steve would have to have at least one leg amputated and be forced to hop most of the way.

Let us examine the photographic evidence.

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The one antlered stag was an obvious portent – if this had been an episode of Game of Thrones the implications would have been stark (ha – I’m good ain’t I?)

 

 

 

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Only the other day our hero came upon a discarded crutch and following that an abandoned boot, sure signs that something was afoot (I know, I know, I crack myself up too!)

 

And who is responsible for this dastardly plot. Cue dramatic music – Da Da Daaah – why none other than the Jogler’s nemesis, Bertie Blister!

Yes – the Jogler, convinced that his enemy was defeated marched on his merry way along high roads and low roads, regaling all who would listen with tales of valour and how he had repelled the wretched Bertie with salves and unctions, unaware that the repellent blister had simply gone underground to scheme and plot.

For days the villain hatched his plan and finally with his forces of evil mustered he launched his attack. He had already absorbed himself into the very flesh of the Jogler’s foot, only too aware that Steve would eventually forget that he had ever existed.

And then he simply waited.

And waited.

Bertie knew exactly when to strike. On a day when the incessant rain halted for a few brief seconds the Jogler’s soul soared and he puffed out his cheeks to give an impromptu whistle of joy. 

Filled with malice, Bertie with heart as black as the darkest night issued his command.

Charge!

Immediately festering pustules of green, rancid, custard like bile, surged through tissue and muscle into our walker’s bloodstream. Bravely our hero’s immune system mounted an inspired defence, but those evil, terrifying, enemies of good sliced through their noble ranks, hacking and slashing at their enemy sending lightning bolts of the most horrendous pain into the Jogler’s shin. 

Steve’s good spirits were dashed against a wall of despair and for what seemed an age, Bertie held the upper hand.

Until – and I have this on the authority of the Jogler’s own testimony – a superhero came to his aid. Now you would have thought that as the older brother my recollection of our relatives would be better, but my age lends itself to forgetfulness (who shouted senility –  there’s no need!?) and so I take Steve at his word that rushing to save him when all seemed lost was – Aunty Bi Otics. 

She sped to his side, rallied the surviving immune warriors to one last brave attack and launched into the ranks of Bertie’s malevolent army which scattered to the four winds like the cowards they were. 

Bertie, now alone and vulnerable did the only thing that a scoundrel can do. He turned tail and ran.

Oh how we cheered here at Blogle HQ when we heard the news. Thank you Aunty, thank you indeed. We will write songs of your bravery, your derring do and commit your epic crusade to the annals of folk lore.

Insect bite, pah! 

These doctors know nothing!

STOP PRESS:

We have just learned here at Blogle HQ that sparing no expense, the @NHSuk has agreed to release one of its finest nurses and that with immediate effect the Jogleress will speed to the Joglers side to inspect his legs to ensure that they are not in danger of falling off. She will check for any damage inflicted by the infection and if necessary, tighten his nuts.

If you’d like to contribute to Macmillan Cancer Support, Steve’s just giving link is: http://bit.ly/2Tzmjwi

Jogle Blogle – Day 26

Jogle Blogle – Day 26

Okay then, I’d like you to imagine the scenario. 

IMG_2912IMG_2917You’re walking from John O’Groats to Land’s End and for most of the journey so far the weather ain’t been good. (Let’s face it, we’ve all been moaning ‘cos it’s been raining for a few days – visualise that repeated over and over, even with all your wet weather gear.) Even if it’s not actually wet, it’s certainly moody as hell.

Also, you started out, not in a good place, with a blister which persistently hung around for the first week. 

You’ve only done one of the three peaks (Ben Nevis) that you’ve pledged to do on the way south. The second (Scafell Pike) is taunting you in the near distance and the third (Snowden) is a couple of weeks away.

You’re taking pain killers for the constant ache in your legs and at this point you realise that you have only done just over one third of this charity walk.

This is how Steve’s feeling right now, so let’s collectively send the Jogler some good vibes – he’s doing a fantastic job which very few of us would even contemplate, let alone attempt.

Let’s take a look at what he’s achieved so far. 

IMG_2926He’s just about to cross the border from Scotland to England and for any normal JOGLE walk that would be almost half way. Because of the three peak challenge he has set himself however the nearly 1200 mile trip is nowhere near that.

The number of steps that he has taken so far is racing toward the one million mark.

And perhaps most importantly of all he has so far raised nearly £7000 of the minimum of £10000 Steve has set as his target for Macmillan Cancer Support.

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Day 26 was another long trek from Kirtlebridge to Newby Cross. Thanks to Alison and Frazer at The Village Inn – a great place to stay. The Jogler finally left the Sustrans Route which he has followed since leaving Glasgow and hiked alongside the Solway Firth where he narrowly missed being hit by a tree which was blown over seconds after he had passed beneath it.

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Down through Gretna Green, the last house in Scotland and finally to the border. Home sweet home – if only!

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Here are some shots of the first of many towns and cities still to go – Carlisle cathedral and castle and of course – the Jaffa Cake factory.

Stats of the day:

Miles: 22.0                             Total: 442.53

Steps: 43,138                         Total: 905,820

Time taken: 7 hours 30 minutes and 12 seconds

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STOP PRESS

As you know that the Jogle is at the moment two days in front of the Blogle (hopefully we’ll get back to only a day behind this weekend) but news has just reached the Blogler that Steve, after a couple of hours in Keswick A & E has an infection in his leg, hence the pain. Having been given enough drugs to fell an elephant however, he is carrying on regardless and at the risk of giving out a Blogle spoiler will attempt Scafell Pike on Saturday.

If you’d like to send a message of support to the man I’m proud to call my brother then leave them on whichever social media platform you find the Blogle, WordPress, Facebook or Twitter and I’ll make sure that they’re passed on to Steve (who perhaps sensibly is not on social media at all.) You can also message him directly via his just giving page at http://bit.ly/2Tzmjwi

A big shout out and thank you to everyone who has supported and/ or donated so far from the Jogler.