Misty’s Chrissymus Song Book…

Sorry folks, but you know what old Miss Cranky Pants is like.
‘Wouldn’t it be nice if you could sort out some nice carols,’ I said, ‘for the Christmas do’s that we’ve got coming up.’
But according to her there are none that suit.
No dogs represented apparently.
So she’s written her own, to rectify the situation.
Here they are!
Like I said, I’m so very, very sorry!

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I THINK I’M IN DANGER
(Traditional tune – Away in a Manger)

I think I’m in danger, I may come to harm
The farmer has left me in charge of the farm
There are creatures all over, it fills me with dread
How can one little collie, get this lot to bed

I run like a whirlwind, I ‘come bye’ like mad
I do all those tricks I was taught by my Dad
I round up some ducks, I herd up the hens
And if I was taller I’d open the pens.

The cattle are slowing, overtaken by sheep
At this rate of progress I may need a jeep
The horses are frisky and starting to stray
And some blooming piglets have stolen the hay.

The stars in the night sky are less than impressed
And I have begun now to run out of zest
I lay down my head with a feeling of sorrow
‘Oh sod it!’ I think, ‘I’ll sort it tomorrow.’

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A SHEPHERD WATCHED
(Traditional tune – what do you think!?)

A shepherd watched his sheep one night
While seated on the ground
A silly ass came rushing past
And chased the flock around

He scratched his head in stunned surprise
Not knowing what to do
‘Fear not’, spake forth a little voice
‘I’ll round them up for you.’

Looking round, the shepherd spied
A dog come into view
‘Pray tell forsooth,’ the shepherd said
‘What’s in the deal for you?’

‘Believe me’, spake the little dog
‘This really is no scam,
I only wish a bed of straw,
Maybe a leg of lamb.’

The man agreed, for he true knew
He was in trouble deep
In less than thirty seconds flat
The dog herded up the sheep.

The shepherd, he was most impressed
‘Pray what do they call you?’
‘Colin,’ replied the little dog,
Head in a bowl of stew.

The shepherd, who was Mutton Jeff
He heard this not the same
And that my friend’s the story of
How collies got their name.

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ONCE A DASCHUND
(Traditional tune – Once in Royal David’s City)

Once a Daschund loyal and so pretty
Had a kennel, it was painted red
Not a fan of anything so grisly
The garish hue was doing in her head
The colour really made her cross
So she went out and bought a tin of gloss

Daschunds they are really such a small breed
Being quite deficient in the leg
But our friend she really paid it no heed
The problem never entering her head
But when half finished, she was madder
Our poor mutt, she couldn’t find a ladder.

People came for miles just to wonder
This marvel all mankind could now behold
No one there could quite believe the blunder
On Facebook, Twitter, everyone was told
What an awful colour scheme
The top still red – the bottom painted green.

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Quite how Ashley got his picture here I’m not too sure! Did you know that someone started a movement to get him back in favour for book 4 – honestly, what a nerve!
CHUCK THE BALLS
(Traditional tune – Deck the halls)

Chuck the balls for hounds and collies
Fah la la, la la, bark, bark
‘Tis the reason I’m so jolly
Fah la la la la, la la, bark, bark
Chuck them further, chuck them higher
Fah la la, fah la la, bark, bark, bark,
You’ll be shattered, I won’t tire
Fah la la la la, la la, bark, bark.
And so, our little homage to dogs at Christmas is nearly over. Only one left to sing and just to warn you, there is a slightly naughty word in it. So sorry yet again! I did tell her, but Misty muttered something about it being artistic license. I just said that it was awfully rude.
Anyway that’s just about it for now. As I said there’s one tune left. Hope you enjoy it – put your fingers in your ears for ‘that’ word.
Oh, take a look around the rest of the blog site- there’s all sorts of stuff on there to give you a bit of a giggle.

By the way, these great pictures are from my children’s books, DOGNAPPED! IN THE DOGHOUSE! and the soon to be released ON THE DOG WALK! drawn by the very talented Mr Ian R Ward. What do you mean you haven’t got them for your kids yet!? It’s Chrissymus – sorry, Christmas – that could be construed as child cruelty. Quick, here’s the link – http://amzn.to/2e0GyRe

HAPPY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL

Clear your throats – that’s right madam, cough it up – it may be a gold watch! Let’s all have one last lusty chorus…

AN ALSATIAN
(Traditional tune – Good King Wotsiface)

An Alsatian, he set out
Told no one he was leaving
The pizza cooked, without a doubt
Was deep and crisp and even
His friends, he knew they liked it hot
But he had let it coo-el
A vital thing he had forgot
Oh what a silly foo-o-el!

He set out to the local shop
The weather it was snowing
He hoped no one had seen him go
But little was he knowing
A row of circles marked his trail
Of which way he would go-o
Steaming circles – yellow rimmed
Shining in the snow-o-o!

His friends who were all quite astute
Noticed their host missing
They all set off in hot pursuit
Following his pissing
They caught him at the checkout till
And mocked him till he blu-ushed
So don’t forget the garlic bread
Or you may end up flu-u-ushed!

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Oh – and if you were wondering why I couldn’t put an end to this little venture before it went too far – the boss was watching every move very, very closely!

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Yes – it was a bloody good wedding…

Well that was some weekend!

Can’t believe a week has gone by already.

Were you there?

No!

Why not?

O.k., living on a different continent is not a valid reason I’m afraid.

No it’s not!

Kate’s daughter and family were here from Texas.

Yeah. That’s made your ‘sorry I was on a field trip in Antarctica,‘ excuse look a bit feeble, hasn’t it?

Never mind though, I’m in a good mood so I’ll tell you all about it. Get yourselves comfy. Settle down at the back there. Here we go.

IMG_0472We had a bit of a family get together on the Friday night, whilst we were setting up the tables and stuff in the big tent (sorry, Kate. I keep forgetting to say marquee)

It was great to catch up.

Then on Saturday morning the condemned man ate a hearty breakfast in the local Premier Inn (yes, I had been banished from home – not allowed to see the bride apparently!) with my uncle, cuz, Mrs cuz and 4 year old mini cuz Fraser.

Back up to room to get changed.

Forgot the hair brush, so off up to Mrs cuz to borrow hers for a quick flick through my thinning pate.

Yes you’re right, it was a good job they stayed there too!

Little bro in his best man suit picked me up in the merc he’d nicked for the day and presented me with  my very own pair of £2 sunglasses. Nothing like a mob wedding, huh! Shame the bow unraveled on the front of the car, but hey, you can’t have everything. It was a nice knot! That’s my big little brother in front of the car trying to hide the entanglement!13938404_340645452989890_6559908707990097971_n

Then we dashed over to Himley Hall.

What?

Yes you’re right, that was the place where Edward and Mrs Simpson used to go for a spot of ‘rumpy pumpy,‘ as you so eloquently put it.

Kate turned up a bit later. Here she is with her son, also a Steve.

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Yes, she did look stunning. I’ll tell her that you complimented her.

I said yes.

She said, ‘if I must.

The registrar looked pleased as we signed on the dotted line.

They played ‘Don’t Stop Believing‘,’ by Journey and we all walked out for some piccies in the grounds.

Back in Kate’s posh motor to the big tent.

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Bit of nosh.

Lot of wine.

Little bro did a speech and nearly cracked at the end. Love you too, Steve.

I did a speech as well. I won’t bore you with it here.

Had a bit of a break.

Took Fraser to see Billy Whizz (see my blog ‘From Billy Joel to Billy Whizz,‘ if that reference has passed you by – you’ll like it, he’s cute!)

Back to the tent in the evening.

Bart put on a disco – thanks mate.

Me and Kate had a quick wobble round.

No, she  wouldn’t let me hold her bottom!

Gunnrunner turned up and put on an excellent live slot. Scared most of the non rockers off.

I even got on stage with them. Yeah, that’s me in the white.IMG_0350

What do you mean, you heard the guitar wasn’t plugged in! I keep telling everyone it was wireless!

Packed up after midnight and we all went home.

Pardon?

Did we what!?

How rude! Anyway  I’m afraid is for me and Kate to know! 😜

Yes. It was a bloody good wedding!

From Billy Joel to Billy Whizz…

 

 

I promised you some re-hashed blogs earlier. Here’s todays contribution, first published on 3rd of December 2015. Hope you enjoy, there’ll be another one along tomorrow.

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Did I ever mention that Kate had a horse?
No?
Well sorry for the omission, but let’s set the record straight here and now because there happens to be a bit of news of an equine nature.
Kate had a horse. Notice the ‘had’ – past tense.
Kate has actually had a few horses. She takes in youngsters who have had a rough start in life and brings them on.
Fair play to her for that.
Very admirable.
There’s been Roxy, Paddy, Bella and Ted. All now happily re-homed.
The latest grateful benificiary of Kate’s ministrations was Buddy. That’s him in the picture above.
Yes, the one on the left.
You what? No need, really!
Buddy horse has now gone the way of his predecessors and will be living with a nice young lady in Chesterfield. There she is putting Buddy into the transporter for his journey. All’s well that ends well.

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Except…
You knew this was coming didn’t you?
I certainly did!
There is now a void in Kate’s life that nothing can fill unless it is vaguely horse shaped.
We discussed it.
‘Winter’s coming,’ I said. ‘Leave it a bit – get Christmas out of the way. And don’t forget that we’re going to have a really busy year next year.’
Well we are, one way and another.
Her daughter and her family are coming over from the U, S of A in March.
At the end of that same month her son gets married.
In April I’ve got a book coming out (did I mention that?) DOGNAPPED! order it on Amazon now https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dognapped-David-J-Robertson/dp/1785891448? Sorry, commercial break over.
Later in the year we have the small matter of our own wedding to arrange and conduct.
I think that you might agree that we’re going to have our work cut out.
Kate certainly agreed.
‘Yes, you’re right.’ she said.
Honestly.
She said that.

27 hours and 15 sodding minutes.

That’s exactly how long we were horseless.

Really!

I was so staggered by the whole saga that I’ve written a song about it! Remember ‘Piano Man,’ by Billy Joel – get that tune humming around your head. Got it?
With all it’s da de da’s?

Ha! See all the kids running to You Tube – WTF? We dough no ’bout ‘im! Zee a rappa ore wah?

Never mind, read on:-

GET ME A HORSE – WHAT’S THE MATTER MAN!?

It’s nine o’clock on a Sunday
And Buddy is going away
Kate turns to I
With a tear in her eye
I know what she’s going to say.

She says, Dave I think this is killing me
As the smile ran away from her face
I don’t care for the cost
‘Cos I really feel lost
Without a small horse in this place

Lie de die did e die
Lie lie did e die
Clippy clop

‘Get me a horse, what’s the matter man!?
Get me a horse today
I don’t care if it’s wrong
If it’s tall, short or long
If it’s equine it’s going to stay!’

Now here we are twenty hours later
Both sipping a drink in the pub
She’s well deep in thought
‘Cos her face has gone taut
And I think that she’s going to blub

And then she bangs on the table
So hard that I spit out my beer
She’s googled a nag
From the phone in her bag
And shouts ‘Come on, let’s get out of here!’

Lie de die did e die
Lie lie did e die
Clippy clop

We’ve hotfooted down to the stable
In less time than it takes to blink
She’s drawn out some loot
And the pony looks cute
Is she having it? – what do you think!

So the deal is all done and dusted
I really had nothing to say
She says, ‘How much was it?’
As she pays the deposit
‘Oh, and throw in a bundle of hay.’

‘Get me a horse, what’s the matter man!?
Get me a horse today
I don’t care if it’s wrong
If it’s tall, short or long
If it’s equine it’s going to stay!’

‘Are you crazy!?’ I hear you all asking
‘Are you really that easily swayed?’
But I’d took the wrong stance
Now I know there’s no chance
Of hoping that I might get laid.

Because the damn horse it needs feeding
And grooming, it’s starting to vex
I’ve been sold a pup
‘Cos there’s poo to pick up
And there’s never no time now for sex!

Lie de die did e die
Lie lie did e die
Clippy clop

‘Get me a horse, what’s the matter man!?
Get me a horse today
I don’t care if it’s wrong
If it’s tall, short or long
If it’s equine it’s going to stay!’

So here he is folks.
He’s about a year old and so unbearably cute!
May I introduce you ladies and gentlemen to – Billy Whizz!

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Cat flap next?
Yeah, that’s what I thought – I’ve seen that advert too!