Nice to see you.
Oh sorry – I really didn’t mean to do that in a Bruce Forsyth voice.
I’m not good at impressions.
Anyway, how are things with you?
They’re protruding by how much!?
Surely you can get some cream for that?
I should ask the chemist.
How am I?
Well funny you should ask.
It’s like this, remember the…
What did you say?
Look, I know you were only asking out of politeness and didn’t really want an answer, but I thought that seeing as you brought it up…
Remember the play wot I wrote…
No, now you mention it, I know I can’t ‘do‘ Ernie Wise either, but this play thing…
Not the one I did for the radio, no. It turns out that the BBC don’t know a good thing when it’s staring them in the face – bastards!
I was talking about pm. com, the one that I wrote for the stage.
Yes, it was a few years ago, I’m glad you remember.
Well I only got someone to go and do it!
How about that then?
Honestly – I’ve never seen anyone so underwhelmed.
I thought you might be pleased.
Sorry, you thought what?
That it would just be,’something else for me to keep banging on about.‘
There’s no need!
But let me finish telling you, ‘cos you’ll never guess what.
I’m in it!
Cool or what?
In a purely am-dramish sort of way.
So I’m line learning.
I knew you’d say that!
Just because I wrote it doesn’t mean that I know it off by heart, no.
I have to practice my art.
Now I’m a thespian.
Getting used to the smell of the greasepaint, the roar of the crowd.
Of course I couldn’t compare myself to Burton or Gielud, well not yet anyway.
Arise Sir Dave, I can picture it now.
Me and Madge.
Her with a sword in her hand.
What do you mean, ‘you wish you had a sword right now‘?
I’ll take that to mean that you don’t want a ticket then.
They’re only three pounds.
I know – cheap as chips!
I’ve got friends on Facebook see.
Surprising as that sounds, yes I have.
And I was thinking that if any of them, in say Oz or Trumpton, fancied popping across for the evening that the low price of entry may be of benefit.
Help out with the air fare.
And the airport taxes.
See how thoughtful I am?
Now there was no call for name calling, ‘one act short of a scene!’
Honestly, some people.
Afraid that we can’t put them up though.
My mate Nige is coming over from Ludlow and he’s already claimed the couch. Perhaps you could help by…
Oh! I see. They can **** right off to where?
Isn’t that the chain Lenny Henry advertises?
Anyway, it’s a political drama – of a sort.
About the ‘Countrywide Reform Alliance Party.’
Well in these days of uncertainty and surprise after Brexit, Trump and Leicester City, I thought it best to concentrate on the issues that concern us all.
The cost of beer and football admission prices for example – that sort of thing. Hard hitting and factual.
It spells what!
Perhaps I’d better have a rethink then, eh?