Tweets for the Stars…

It came to my attention the other day that a blog post of mine (on the old blog site that time forgot) had not perhaps had the attention it so obviously richly deserved. So I’ll put it here, on the new(ish) sparkly WordPress site, so that you can marvel at the rich following that I am now accumulating. This my friends is ‘Tweets for the Stars…’

I know that the title of this post sounds a bit like an old S Club 7 hit, but I really wanted to catch your attention.
This is important!
Well I think it is!

So, remember I told you that I was being followed on Twitter by the novelist, John Gilstrap and the excitement that caused – for me anyway. And then we had the Russian railways getting in on the act, watching my every tweet with rapt attention (o.k., with bored indifference, have it your way!)

Well now I got another follower, even more famous, even more off the scale of celebritydom. Wanna know who?

You do, admit it. Your interest has been piqued.

Yes I know I kidded you on last time with Transsib Petersburg not even being a real person and all, but this surpasses even that.
Not only is my new follower a machine, she’s also human.
How about that then!?

No it’s not Lynsey Wagner (the actress who played The Bionic Woman for those too young to know). A good guess though – you’re in the right area.
No, Wonder Woman is getting colder, what on earth was mechanical about her? She was very much all woman as far as I could tell. Filled the American flag quite admirably.

No, I won’t keep you guessing any longer, I was a tad cruel last time, dragging it out like that. Kept changing the subject. Ducking and diving. Holding out on you. Avoiding the punchline. On and on and on…
Sorry only kidding!

My new follower is – Susan Bennett!

Yes, honestly!

What do you mean, never heard of her!?
Of course you have.
You may even have spoken to her yourself.
Personally.
Perhaps you’ve even asked her a question.
You see my new friend, Susan is the voice of – wait for it, Siri!

Yay!
Yes, that annoying voice that comes from your iPad when you lean on the button slightly too long and activate that program that asks, ‘Hi, I’m Siri. How can I help you today?’
Now on my computer recently my Siri has changed into a man. In fact he might not be called Siri at all. Let’s just call him Boring Bastard so’s we don’t get them mixed up. Not being disrespectful or anything but my Siri was the first and as far as I’m concerned now that we’re busom buddies, undoubtedly the best.

Now I know what you’re thinking – this blokes mad. This Siri bird hasn’t followed him at all.
And you may be right.
Perhaps her algorithms or whatever they’re called plucked me at random out of the ether, I know your thought processes better than you do. So what if they did?
Susan is currently following a mere three quarters of a million people.
That’s all! A minuscule proportion of the world population.
And one of those is me!
After all what’s a virtual assistant supposed to do on a rainy Tuesday afternoon except to trawl through a few hundred thousand tweets from her adoring fans?
Not a lot is it?
Not when you consider there are around seven and a half billion people currently standing shoulder to shoulder on our little blue green planet.

Now perhaps there are quite a few among that throng that you wouldn’t want to even entertain getting to know. Most politicians for a start (no I’m not going to start on the European referendum debate again – not yet anyway).
But from the remainder, her computer chose me.
I bet she’s not mates with Ricky bloody Gervais and his cat anyway!
Very discerning you see.
Did I follow her back?
Of course. It’d be rude not to really wouldn’t it?
@SiriouslySusan – that’s her.

I wonder if I should call her Susan?
Or Siri?

Perhaps I should ask Boring Bastard – he might know!

Meet and Greet: 11/19/16

I’ve been blogging again – sorry! Thanks to Dream Big Dream Often for the opportunity

How did you start writing?

‘How did you start writing?‘

It’s a pretty standard question when you’ve just written your magnum opus, patted it on the back and sent it out to make its way in the world.
You may be quite justified in replying, ‘At school.‘ but let’s face it that may come across as a bit trite and the request for the information into the reason why you have behaved in such an obviously crazy manner is usually genuinely asked.
And so, when the subject is raised, I normally bite my tongue and answer, ‘Oh I’ve always written,‘ as if that explains everything.

It doesn’t.

The truth, as it is so often, can be quite painful.
I have genuinely ‘always written.‘
But – and here’s the rub – not seriously.
Not with a goal of being a published ‘author.‘
Surely I could never aspire to be anyone so grand.
I’d written rhymes about work colleagues for a laugh. Indeed, so amusing were these ditties that I was once banned from the works canteen – for life. Something to do with slicing the gravy as I recall.
I scribbled a few short stories, entered them for competitions convinced that the arrival of the winners acknowledgement would be only a matter of time and, once that time had expired, railed against the judges for their obvious lack of taste.
So yes, I’d always written.
And I’d always wished that I could write without other things getting in the way, the mundane day to day chores, the job, the bare necessities of life – if I may nick the lyric of a song.
Until one day those bare necessities turned around and gave me a kick.
Not subtly, but a swift hard kick right where it hurts.

My wife of thirty four years died.
She collapsed on Christmas Day and by Boxing Day her brief visit to this mortal coil was over.
Two weeks later my father lost his battle with cancer and joined her.

Numb.

That’s a good way to put it.
Not entirely accurate, but as good as any to sum up something that cannot adequately be described.
And sometimes, once life has given you that kick it considers itself to be the gift that just likes to keep on giving.
Eight months later I had a heart attack.
And a quadruple bypass.
And a collapsed lung.
And an epiphany.
Here I am at fifty eight, what am I meant to do with my life?

I stopped work.
I wrote.
Eight months later my first book was published.
O.k. self published if you want to be precise, not traditionally so, but let’s not get precious about that trifling difference. I had just had a lesson that hanging around for an agent, a publisher, or any sort of opportunity was not a luxury I might allow myself to take. Time is after all linear, we are not allowed to get off for a coffee and a quick puff on a Camel, however politically incorrect that may be.

‘DOGNAPPED!’ is a children’s book. It’s in the final of The People’s Book Prize 2017 here in the U.K. You will vote for it come May won’t you? Thanks.

It’s about my dog Misty and her mates, cast adrift on a canal boat with a reluctant puppy. Apparently adults love it as much as the kids, but I won’t tell on you when you start giggling, so don’t worry about that.

 

 

‘IN THE DOGHOUSE!’ is due for release before Christmas – and a cracking little stocking filler it will be.

‘ON THE DOG WALK!’ is due next May – purposely in time to remind you to vote for ‘DOGNAPPED!’

There are plans for audio books for all three.
There’s a stage play to be performed next year – a political satire.
There’s a period radio drama if anyone would like to produce it.
There’s a comedy sci-fi novel to have the finishing touches applied.                               There’s also a blog to attend to – in case you hadn’t noticed.

Three months ago I married a wonderful lady.
There’s so much more to come now I’ve learnt to kick life back.

Pardon?
Oh! How did I start writing?
I guess I’ve always written.

How about you?

…Indie Authors, there’s only one way to take control of yer self-publishing—like a boss!…

Seumas Gallacher

…the most common question most self-publishing scribblers get is, ‘how easy/difficult is it to run yer own stuff as an indie author?’… well, this ol’ Jurassic’s been at it for more than eight years now, and I reckon I’ve learned a few things along the road (maybe that’s a few million things)… first off, it ain’t easy… but NUTHIN worth while usually is… the approach that’s WURKED for me is to treat the whole nine yards as a business… if yeez tackled any business with less than 100% commitment, yer chances of success get diminished in direct proportion to that commitment… so, Indie Authors, there’s only one way to take control of yer self-publishing—like a boss!…

…own it, LUV it, treat it like yer own flesh and blood, ‘coz, as many authors will tell yeez, that’s precisely how each wee literary baby feels to them… tell the WURLD

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Something is happening…

Things are happening.

Apart from in the country which should and probably shall forevermore be known as Trumpton, that is.

I thought you might like to know.

Oh really? It makes a pleasant change to hear that you’re so keen to know what’s going on in my life, may I say?

Sick of elections and referendums eh! Can’t say I blame you. Anyway, this has nothing to do with politics.

No, honest! I mean it! Not much anyway.

‘Cos like I said, things are happening.

DOGNAPPED! as I told you a few weeks back is in the final of The People’s Book Prize next year.

Sorry, I know I keep ‘banging on about it,’ as you put it, but someone has to publicise it and if it ain’t me then…

Pardon?

Yes, thanks for sharing, reblogging and retweeting it. I do appreciate it honest.

Anyway. I just wanted to say that the next book, IN THE DOGHOU|SE! is shortly due for release.

Yay!

You will review it won’t you?

Thanks.

Here’s a picture of Rascal just to whet your appetite.Yes, Ian’s done a fantastic job illustrating again hasn’t he?

And there’s more.

Yes there is.

In the great tradition of Ernie Wise I have wrote a play. Two in fact.

One for radio – just giving a heads up if anyone from the BBC is looking in. No, I can’t tell you what it’s about – I’d have to shoot you! But it is very good, I’ve read it as well as written it!

The other is a stage play for The Comedy Theatre Group, a local amateur band I joined up with recently. It’s meant to be a political satire, but judging by recent real life events you might not recognise it as such!

If I had released it a few months back you’d have said it was totally unrealistic. In the light of what’s been going on you might now think that it’s not mad enough!

Anyway, hopefully we can get it staged sometime around Easter.
See, I’m not just a pretty face.

Oh thanks, you never thought that I was! There’s no need! Why do you think I don’t post selfies on here!?

And then…

Yes, there is more.

You’re getting bored now? I’ll be quick then.

I’ve got a couple of speaking slots at the Wolverhampton Literature Festival at the end of January next year. I’ll tell you more a bit nearer the date, but if you can’t wait then take a look at http://wolvesliteraturefestival.co.uk

I’m on Black Country Radio on Friday at 2p.m. That’s Dave Homer’s show and I’m going to tell him all I’ve just written down here – plus a bit more that I holding back for now.

So you’ll have to listen now won’t you, I know you don’t like to miss anything.

It’s 102.5 FM – see you there!

The night I nearly met Jimmy Carr…

First up we’d like to say thanks very much regarding your kind thoughts and words regarding Misty and her recent diabetic problems. She’s well on the way to recovery, in fact the worry now is to keep her calmed down enough so that she doesn’t hurt herself in her rediscovered enthusiasm.

So, I thought that I’d better let you know what’s been going on. With Saturday out of the way – we had cancelled our trip to Manchester to see Australian Pink Floyd to look after madam following her op, we decided on Sunday to go ahead and travel up to see Musical Box – a Genesis tribute band covering the days before the music died and Peter Gabriel still played with them.

Janet & Roy agreed to look after the rapidly improving invalid – thanks neighbours – and so we dashed off to the station.

Little brother Steve and sister in law Sue were already there as the weekend had been planned as a celebration of her mmpty mmph birthday. Yes, they did get to see the Aussie’s show the night before. I’m not jealous!

Also as a wedding present to me and the bride they’d booked us in to the 5 star Lowry Hotel, you know the sort of thing, Lamborghini’s in the car park, Jose Morhinio camped out upstairs somewhere and drinks so expensive that any water you add to them comes from your eyes!

Anyway, on the way to see the concert just as we’re leaving the hotel – bro & sis are waiting for us outside as we make our way down the steps – I was vaguely aware of some bloke coming up in the opposite direction with his mobile stuck to his ear.

Bro is waving frantically.
I turn.
Bloke passes me.
I get an excellent view of his back.

‘What?’ I ask when I complete my descent.
‘Did you see him?’ was the answer.
‘Who?’
‘Jimmy Carr!’
‘Jimmy who?’
‘Jimmy Carr – the comedian!’
‘What, him out of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown?’
‘Yes!’
‘No. Where is he?’
Exasperation is now setting in. ‘You just passed him on the steps!’
As I looked round Jimmy Carr’s back disappeared through the door.

‘Are you sure?’

They were pretty much definitely sure that it may have been Jimmy Carr.

Perhaps.

The concert was very good. Here’s a picture of the bloke sat in front of Steve. He also liked to nod his head in time to the music.

Deep joy!

Glad I only got the woman with the massive ponytail!

Incidentally – how do you know you’re at a Genesis tribute concert?

Answer, when the queue for the gents is longer than the one for the ladies and you all seem to have the same prostate problem.

But I digress – am I disappointed not to have stopped and spoken to the bloke who may or may not have been Jimmy Carr?

To be honest, not really – after all, imagine my embarrassment if he hadn’t actually wanted my autograph!